“If your mate is not overall 51 percent valuable, you cannot stay with them and remain healthy. Being in a toxic relationship may be a sign of unconditional love, but it’s also a sign that you love them more than yourself. That is a sign of mental illness.” ― Christiane Northrup M.D.
If you were raised in an unhealthy environment where you were forced to grow up too soon, it is likely that similar to me you may have had some “challenges” in personal or professional relationships that have equated to quite an interesting life. Identifying unhealthy relationship dynamics and setting proper boundaries against abuse are acquired skills for those that were taught that dysfunctional interactions and questionable behavior are normal. Unless the situation stands out starkly against our brand of crazy, it is difficult to determine if it is harmful to us until we are already in the thick of it and can’t get out, or it’s being evaluated in retrospect like damage from a tornado. If we do live to see the sun, feeling defeated amongst the rubble we may not be quick to rebuild from the damage, but continue forward seeking solace in various emotional relief shelters.
The level of interest we show in getting to the root of our traumas and character defects will determine how aware we are of certain character traits or red flags in others. Even still, we may fall prey to a more cunning version of ourselves or find we still have work to do through the pain inflicted in our relationships. It is easy to feel victimized when we keep getting mugged on a one-way street of give and take. How do we protect ourselves when this is the only dangerous route we know to travel? It is wonderful to give, but if our value has only ever been found in the sweet fruit of sacrifice then we will remain ripe for the picking.
It is safe to say that no one wants to face the dreaded feelings that are associated with not being wanted, chosen or prioritized. It will prove a never-ending challenge to find those feelings adopted by another however, if we haven’t given birth to them first. If we believe it is wrong or don’t have a desire to make our growth, health, and happiness a priority, we are more susceptible to entering relationships that we find ourselves fighting, shrinking, or settling for. In doing so we are prone to align with people that may be keen to our lack of self-interest, quenching their insatiable thirst for meaning by getting drunk off of our life energy.
True relationship is not easy, but it should feel reciprocal. If you are starting to resemble a clapping seal at a circus, or a construction worker on “Flip this Spouse,” chances are high you are already enmeshed in the net of an avid fisherman (or woman) on the hunt for enormous validation. It may or may not have made itself known to you yet — you could just be feeling a bit off, tired, or have an overall sense of getting further away from yourself. To assist you in finding some clarity around the transformation of being turned from human to void of pulse, here are some clues I have picked up along the way that you might find worthy of checking against your relationship:
1. Immediate Attachment
Does this person after a very short time drown you in declarations like, “You are my person”, “my soulmate”, or “I feel like I have known you for thousands of years?” Are they very aggressive about spending time with you and desiring to talk to you multiple times a day? Do they want you to check in often, confirming you are safe after the arduous task of grocery shopping? Do they want to begin doing everything together? Are you excited about it because it makes you feel cared about, for once?
2. Lack of Life Goals
Are you this person’s why? The reason they wake up. Do you frequently hear statements like “you complete me”, “give me a reason?” Do they have any outside interests that don’t involve consuming your time or energy? Do you feel pressure placed upon you to make them feel happy or whole, thereby depleting you? Do you think if you love them right they will find purpose again, turn it all around?
3. Frequent Manipulation
Are you made to feel bad when they in fact are the ones that hurt you? Does it feel like they are helping themselves, but they make it seem like they are helping you? Is it somehow your fault they lied, even about simple things? Do they play to your past or your weaknesses in order to dismiss their violations? They would show up more if… Do they blame you for their life situation, or lack of self-esteem? Have they withheld information from you until after you were hooked in, only to reveal truths later after you are committed?
4. Constant Tough Breaks
Life has ups and downs for sure, but does this person frequently run into drama with other people being the culprit? Do they have a string of jobs or are they a victim to circumstance? They can never get ahead. Do they lack stability or maybe an unresolved past haunts them? Does their life situation somehow get presented to you in a way that facilitates some sort of help from you? Do you find yourself justifying their inability to work just as hard as you?
5. Uses Others to Do Their Bidding
Do you find that they are experts at getting what they want from other people without giving much? Does this make you feel crazy because they cannot seem to help you but they freely take help? Do they triangulate unknowing bystanders into the relationship to make you feel like you have the problem, are abusing them, need to try to harder, to be better, or fit in? Do they seem to develop friends quickly as if they have known them forever when they have known them a few weeks? Do they romanticize toxic friends and family, making you feel excluded?
6. Intermittent Reinforcement
Do they confuse you with small gestures of affection right when things get to a tipping point? Do they fail you in major ways but then profess their undying love with flowers, notes or housework? Do you get to a point of giving up or breaking up with them and then they pull out all the stops to get your attention once more? Do they provide inconsistent effort to keep you addicted to the next kindness, making you question your inherent value as a person?
7. Actions Don’t Match Words
Do they keep you hanging on with words, but no substantial action seems to follow? Maybe they want to help more, be more of an equal partner but they always seem to fall short? Do they promise you they will change but nothing ever does? Do they promise they will never hurt you again or lie to you again, but they always seem to…do it again? Do they say they want to be successful but never make lifestyle choices that align with that desire? Does everything feel like it is a “someday” with them?
8. Needs Constant Admiration/Validation
Are they frequently jealous or insecure accusing you of being interested in others? Do they frequently ask if you still love them or if they still look good? Do they look in the mirror often and ask you how they look? Do they need constant affection or compliments to feel as if you are still interested in them? Do they many times want to have sex regardless of what mental state you are in? Are they constantly checking social media to see how many people liked or commented on their post as if it validates them?
9. No Respect For Boundaries
When you try to have a boundary are you guilted, stampeded upon or completely ignored even? If you say you don’t want to talk do they force their will and conversation on you? Do they not take no for an answer? Do they ignore benchmarks, goals, or deadlines for the relationship but expect to still reap free rewards? Are you then made out to to be the unreasonable one because you have baseline standards that they do not respect? Do you feel steamrolled, physically, mentally or financially? Is it easier to just go along with everything because they overpower you and ignore your wishes anyway?
So maybe you got bit. According to The Laws of Thermodynamics, the total amount of energy and matter in the universe remains constant, merely changing from one form to another. When you take your energy back from a vampire it miraculously appears in the form of new opportunity, connections, and vitality. There are no two ways about it, the only thing we really have to go by is the way we feel around someone. At first glance someone can look perfect. We can ignore all of the clues because we want so badly to solve our love mystery. When we think we are close to cracking the case, all we need is the hot lead of the words we have been waiting to hear our whole life.
If we don’t take the time to get to know a person because of the vacancies we are looking to fill, we may end up with a freeloading tenant squatting in our beautiful temple. Once they move in, they leave their Cheetos on the table, beer bottles on the floor, and next the door is off the hinges. We look around and decide it is not worth picking up our clothes off of the floor anymore. No need to comb our hair today. The light bill is due, but we would rather live in the dark. We don’t feel so great, a little nuts, sick, tired, even zombie like. It is better than being alone again, right? Hey vampire — “Wanna watch Netflix?”
